I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
