i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
