There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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