the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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