I think I died a long time ago.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
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While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
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Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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