I puked a lego.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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