I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
