someone threw a dead crab at me
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
