My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
