I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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