I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
the gays at disneyland are vicious
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
