i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
