My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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