to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
