Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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