so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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