Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
