Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
