God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
