Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
