I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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