I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
