fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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