I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
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Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
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Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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