I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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