I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize
