So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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