I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
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