I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
