just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
