he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
