I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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