I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
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false alarm. still invincible.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
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Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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