how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
