I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
