when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
