you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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