True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
