And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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