My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
