I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
