Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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