she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
