im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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