There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
