do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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