Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
