Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Come see our sink grown plant.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
