My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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