well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I touched a dick in church today
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
