sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
