Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
