watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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