mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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